College

Sometimes I think I am wayyy too sensitive. I let a look that someone gives me or a snide comment just knock the breath out of me. Then I will keep going back to the situation in my mind, and dissect every little thing I said or did or could've said differently, and everything that was said and what I must look like to other people. I love to claim that I dont care what other people think of me, and in some ways I dont. But I think I can admit that I dont want people to think I'm stupid. I dont know why but its just really important to me for people to at least think I'm normal. I dont know why I'm so worried about it, *I* know I'm not stupid. I'm actually pretty smart. I effortlessly kept up my 3.-something since I was in elementary school, and I was even in the 'gifted' or 'advanced' classes in school. I think what upsets me is it really was effortless-and I cant help but wonder what wouldve happened if I had put some effort into it? Maybe those 3.-somethings would've been 4.0's. Maybe I wouldve graduated with honors instead of a few o.-somethings off. Maybe I wouldve gotten scholarships and went away to college and maybe I would be in grad school right now, instead of newly graduated with an associates degree. I know I couldve gotten into an amazing school if I had just tried. Duke university started talking to me when I was in 7th grade! I couldve gone there. Or at very least some other great college that everyone knows. I almost hate to say "I went to Macon State" because theres really nothing prestigous about that. It was prestigious for a while to say "I'm in nursing school" because it really is hard to do, but now that I work with so many other nurses I feel like I'm just one of the crowd and I have never really liked to blend in. I feel like I did myself some great disservice and now its too late to change it, and I freaking hate it.


But anyway, thats just what I was thinking about today.

The other thing is I'm wondering if I'm doing myself another disservice by so seriously considering lap-band. Its kind of like saying I'm not capable of losing the weight by myself. Like by getting the surgery I am saying that I failed at something that was so important to me. That I cant just practice a little self control and eat much less. I mean lap-band just limits how much you eat, so what is stopping me from just... eating less?

I guess thats why you have to see a psychiatrist before you can get the surgery:)