My struggles since childhood with obesity...

So I havent had a blog since high school but I figured now would be the best time to start a new one. I am (once again) trying to lose weight, and I figure that if I talk about it on here where people may (or may not) actually see it, that my chances for success will be higher. I've been fighting the scales since I was about 7 years old. I remember the first conversation I ever had with anyone about my weight- my grandpa said to me one Thanksgiving- girl how do you eat so much without gaining any weight? And I said I do 20 jumping jacks everytime I finish eating! Which shows that even at the tender age of 6 or 7 I knew that you were supposed to exercise. I also remember my grandmother remarking to my parents that I was gaining weight, to which my mother denied (I think she is still denying it actually.) I think I understood that I was getting bigger, I would come home from school and tell my mom that other kids at school picked on me because I was fat (which wasnt true at the time). I think that was a little girls way of asking for help, but my mom just kept cooking unhealthy food, and letting me get seconds. Anyone who has grown up fat knows what its like to live life as the fat girl. You hear the jokes that people make about you when they think you cant hear. And of course the jokes they make to your face. I was always just a little bigger than I was supposed to be, not obese so much as I was just overweight. I could always still buy clothes from the 'normal' section (size 12-13) and would not set foot anywhere near the 'plus sized' section of any store. That changed when I got my first job right after I turned 16. It was at my favorite fast food restaurant, Krystal. And as luck would have it, the management didnt care what we ate, and never made us pay for any of it. I noticed the stretch marks about 4 months after I got the job... I was pretty shocked to see them... they were all at the top of my stomach and under my arms. I didnt think a whole lot about it, and I certainly didnt realize that it meant I was rapidly gaining weight. I didnt realize what had happened until it was too late, and I only realized it when I saw a picture of myself in my prom dress for my junior prom- I looked HORRIBLE. I was mortified. My prom dress was a size 23. It just so happened that I got a job at Subway around that same time and lost some of the weight I had gained. I dont have numbers to share because I didnt own a scale, and had no interest in seeing how much I weighed. I only go by the way my clothes fit me. I lost a little weight and my jeans were a size 16. I got into the habit of buying clothes online because it was much easier and less stressful than searching a store and trying on things that didnt fit. I finally decided for the first time when I was 18 that I needed to lose weight. A co-worker of mine was a follower of the Atkins diet and I ate in a way that was similar to her (mostly meat and veggies, and only drinking water) I had a job in a restaurant and I loved to make money, so I worked about 55-60 hours a week, usually on my feet. I also joined a gym around this time and got into the habit of going on a regular basis at night after work. I was pretty happy and had some success, although I still didnt use scales. I still wore a size 16 or 18 depending on the store but I felt comfortable in my own skin and I didnt find myself to be unattractive-actually I thought I was pretty cute around this time. This is right before the world as I knew it changed. I met Ruben, the father of my child and current boyfriend at my latest job, which was also in a restaurant that had me on my feet for about 50 hours a week. We moved entirely too fast and within three months were living together. At the end of the first month in our new home, I discovered that I was pregnant. It was horrifying and exciting all at once, and while not the exact plan I had in mind, it wasnt bad news either. I was 20 years old and in college, so it was only a couple of years sooner than I wouldve planned. I finally got on a scale-208 pounds. I had gained the new relationship weight, so I think before that I was about 190 or so. All of my clothes were pretty tight at this time. I tried to follow all the pregnancy advice about eating and walking and doing what is healthy for myself and my baby, but one day while walking with Ruben around the track I got hit by a wave of dizzyness. This would happen any time I tried to exert myself. The exercise ended. I spent the rest of my pregnancy at my new sit down job and ate whatever I felt like eating. Right before the birth of my daughter I hit 250 pounds. I was horrified and disgusted and cried my eyes out. After giving birth to her I lost 30 pounds in the first week. It turns out at least 10 pounds of my weight was from water retention related to the preeclampsia that I developed in my last trimester. I was pretty excited. I once again joined the gym and attempted to eat in a healthy way. I thought the overwhelming fatigue I felt was due to having a newborn and college life. I thought the fact that my weight didnt change was due to me not trying hard enough. Either way once I began working again a few months later I gave up on losing any more weight. I had gained back the 30 pounds effortlessly. I had just been accepted into the nursing program and I had bigger things to worry about it seemed. I went to the doctor one day over a cough that just wouldnt go away and the NP I saw told me she wanted me to lose at least 100 pounds. I told her that that every time I lose weight it just comes right back and she offered to let me try phentermine. I wish I had told her about the fatige that I felt, or about the fact that when my alarm went off most mornings I wanted to cry because I was so tired. I blamed the feeling on working too much, going to school too much, and raising a small child. I thought the fact that my hair was still falling out a year after my daughters birth was normal. I thought that the fact that my brain was foggy and I couldnt remember simple things like locking the door or running errands was part of the stress I was feeling. And I told myself I was crazy for the depression I felt. The phentermine was a miracle for me. I loved it from the first dose. I had ENERGY. I had insane amounts of energy. I could go to work, then come home, play with my child, clean up, cook dinner, do homework. I felt like a normal person. The weight loss was effortless, I lost 14 pounds in the first month. But it wasnt the weight loss I was REALLY excited about-it was the fact that I could get out of bed in the morning. The fact that I actually wanted to leave the house sometimes. The fact that I actually cleaned the house on a regular basis. I joined a gym and started a low carb diet, and the results were amazing. I felt like a brand new person. I went from a size 23 pants to a size 18. I went to the gym two to three times a week and actually looked forward to it. I told everyone who would listen all about the evils of carbs. In all I went from 250 pounds to 216 at the lowest point. My gym membership expired in the same month that my 6 month trial on phentermine ended. The nurses at my doctors office praised me. My coworkers said I was an inspiration to them. I quit taking the medication on the same week as finals, and I had a hard time keeping my eyes open. I thought that the mind numbing exhaustion that hit me was possibly stress or withdrawal from the medication. I once again had a hard time getting out of bed. I told myself I would recover from the medication and then go back to working out. It never happened. Between early May and October I regained all of the weight that I had lost, and then some. I had to buy new clothes because my former fat clothes were too tight. I was now having muscle aches and pains at all times, in addition to the exhaustion, depression, and foggy brain. My favorite thing in the world was to stretch. I realized I spent more than half of the day stretching-and whenever I went, I was leaning against something, or sitting down. I couldnt even stand up for a little while without leaning against the wall, or putting my arms down on a counter. I was having a hard time driving because I couldnt focus on the task at hand. I had learned about hypothyroidism in school and was aware that I had basically every symptom for it, but I didnt give the knowledge I had the credit it deserved. It wasnt until I went to the doctor for a completely unrelated reason that I found out that I actually have hypothryoidism. The nurse actually left my test results on my voicemail on my cell phone. When I heard those words "Your TSH is actually extremely high" I felt like I had won the lottery. Words cannot express the amazing sense of relief and.. vindication that I was overcome with. I WASNT crazy. I had a good reason for feeling the way I do. I'm going to get better. I also thought of course that the weight would suddenly, magically fall away. Hypothryodism is a disease that causes your metabolism to slow to a crawl. You gain weight, you have zero energy, even your brain dosent work properly. I was stabilized on my medications fairly quickly and realized that the weight actually wasnt going to magically fall away. I went back to the doctor and asked for one more chance with the phentermine-now that my hypothyroidism was cured, I wouldnt fail this time. That was a month ago. At my doctors visit I was 260lbs-the highest weight yet for me. That gives me a BMI of 44.6. That is morbidly obese. My TSH got out of wack again this month, but by now the higher dose of medication should be helping. I've lost about 6 pounds this month, give or take for water retention. I havent really made a huge effort with it honestly, I let the pill do all the work. I try to avoid sweets and fried foods, not only because they are bad but because since I had my gallbladder removed in march they make me sick. I also try to go walking and I have Wii Fit but like I said, I havent made a huge effort. I really want to make a huge effort. I want to lose 100 pounds. I know thats not something to take lightly, and that I need to set small goals for myself, so my short term goal is to fit into those size 18 jeans in the closet. I have to go for my first check up tomorrow with the phentermine to make sure that I have lost some weight and my blood pressure is under control. I have already made peace with the fact that if I cant lose weight this time around, or if I regain the weight I lose after my 6 months of phentermine are over, I am getting weight loss surgery. I just cant be this person for my whole life. 18 years is long enough. I have a daughter who I want to set an example for. I am an RN and I need to practice what I'll be preaching to my patients. I dont want to be like some of my patients that come in, with heart attacks and diabetes and horrible infections in their fat rolls. I also dont want to be one of the people who end up in a nursing home in their 60's or 70's because I'm too sick to care for myself. I want to meet my great grand children one day. Before losing weight was always about looks, now its about something much, much more important. I feel that because of that reason, I may have more success this time. But we shall see.