New Life

Hello blog:)

Things have changed a LOT since my last post. I almost feel like a different person even.

To start:

I reached the point with Ruben where I was ready to end things, and there didn't seem to be much that would change my feelings in the matter. Even he admitted that he didn't think he could change. I don't know what exactly caused him to change, but he did. One night he came home drunk, at 2am, and was disgustingly drunk. He made me feel physically sick to even be in the room with him, so I moved to the couch. That night seemed to be the turning point. I had already decided to leave, so I saw no point in fighting with him. He asked me the next day if I was pissed, and I told him I just didn't care anymore. And since that night, in mid July, everything has changed. He comes straight home from work, and we actually talk about our day. He makes a big effort to play with Giovanna and to be sweet to me. He hasn't gone out and gotten grossly drunk a single time, and only on the rare occasion has he gone out with his friends at all, and he actually came home sober. Its been wonderful. I hope it lasts. He is more like the man I first started dating all those years ago... we actually laugh and have fun and discuss things that happen like rational people.

The other huge change has been getting my RN license at last:) That was in late July. The entire feeling of my job changed. I went from feeling uncertain and uncomfortable at work to feeling like it is a second home. I love going to work now. I feel so fulfilled from the work I do, and I love knowing that I make a difference in peoples lives. I am going to start working at night starting next week, which I am nervous about because its going to be a big change, but it is also going to mean more money and the end of orientation. My first day taking care of patients totally on my own is going to be September 19th. I think as long as none of my patients code I will be fine:) at least not until AFTER I have ACLS.

Giovanna is growing at an insane rate. She has finally reached the point in her development where we can actually have conversations. Of course, they are generally conversations about eating, sleeping, and going to the store, but they are still conversations:) It is amazing to watch my little person grow. I find myself feeling insane pride and amazement in her almost daily. I love that I see myself and Ruben in her, in different ways. I want to give her the kind of life I never knew existed, and I feel like I am starting to accomplish it. I am one bill away from not being behind on ANY of my bills. Then I will open savings accounts for her college, and one for vacations:) I have NEVER had a vacation, so it is going to be something amazing. I realized that with my 'PAL' or paid days off basically, that I could take one in February and one in the summer, without losing a single paycheck. So I am thinking the mountains in February, lots of snow, and the beach this summer.

As far as weight loss goes, I have had some success so far. 26.5 lbs to be exact:) Very exciting, but still not enough. I cant really tell the difference, although other people have told me they can. I have some trouble with eating healthy just because I'm a terrible cook but I am trying my best to learn. I also joined the gym at last, and very much enjoy going, when I get a chance. I think I have had a change of heart about the weight loss surgery, at least for now, just because I really feel like I have all the tools and knowledge and initiative to lose the weight I need to lose, I just have to DO it. Having surgery because I am not trying hard enough should not even be an option. I can think of much better things to do with 20,000 dollars-namely, a brand new car:)

I am so happy with where my life is right now. I just hope that it will remain in this place... indefinitely:)

Happily ever after

I was thinking tonight (randomly enough) about this trip to the park with Giovanna a few months back. I met a man there who brought his little boy to play at the park too, and I remember thinking it was pretty cool that here was this random man, who takes his kid to the park. How many dads do that? And shouldnt Giovanna have the kind of dad who takes her to the park on his day off, instead of the kind of dad who spends the whole day watching tv? I mean dosent she deserve that kind of love and attention? And dont *I* also deserve the kind of love and attention that involves ... idk... a kiss when he gets home from work? A "how was your day?" an "I love you" before he leaves? I mean its just simple little things that I dont have. and its bigger ones too, like arent I worthy of some overpriced wedding with a bunch of ugly flowers and ugly dresses? Why dont *I* have that kind of man, and why dosent Giovanna have that kind of father? I kind of feel like I brought her into this life where her Daddy isnt giving her 100%, and she basically dosent have grandparents because his mom is in mexico and my parents are too strung out on drugs to even really know what her name is or anything about her, and then theres me- I dont ever take her to the park either. I just sit at home, and play on the computer, and claim that I'm studying, when she asks to go swimming I tell her we'll go tomorrow. We've only been to the park 2 times this summer. I think she deserves better than a lot of what shes getting in life and I wish I could do better, and I wish that I had done better in the past as well.

College

Sometimes I think I am wayyy too sensitive. I let a look that someone gives me or a snide comment just knock the breath out of me. Then I will keep going back to the situation in my mind, and dissect every little thing I said or did or could've said differently, and everything that was said and what I must look like to other people. I love to claim that I dont care what other people think of me, and in some ways I dont. But I think I can admit that I dont want people to think I'm stupid. I dont know why but its just really important to me for people to at least think I'm normal. I dont know why I'm so worried about it, *I* know I'm not stupid. I'm actually pretty smart. I effortlessly kept up my 3.-something since I was in elementary school, and I was even in the 'gifted' or 'advanced' classes in school. I think what upsets me is it really was effortless-and I cant help but wonder what wouldve happened if I had put some effort into it? Maybe those 3.-somethings would've been 4.0's. Maybe I wouldve graduated with honors instead of a few o.-somethings off. Maybe I wouldve gotten scholarships and went away to college and maybe I would be in grad school right now, instead of newly graduated with an associates degree. I know I couldve gotten into an amazing school if I had just tried. Duke university started talking to me when I was in 7th grade! I couldve gone there. Or at very least some other great college that everyone knows. I almost hate to say "I went to Macon State" because theres really nothing prestigous about that. It was prestigious for a while to say "I'm in nursing school" because it really is hard to do, but now that I work with so many other nurses I feel like I'm just one of the crowd and I have never really liked to blend in. I feel like I did myself some great disservice and now its too late to change it, and I freaking hate it.


But anyway, thats just what I was thinking about today.

The other thing is I'm wondering if I'm doing myself another disservice by so seriously considering lap-band. Its kind of like saying I'm not capable of losing the weight by myself. Like by getting the surgery I am saying that I failed at something that was so important to me. That I cant just practice a little self control and eat much less. I mean lap-band just limits how much you eat, so what is stopping me from just... eating less?

I guess thats why you have to see a psychiatrist before you can get the surgery:)

Good news for me:)

So I went to the doctor today and found out that I lost 8 pounds last month:) I am thrilled that I made so much progress with the baby steps I have taken. I know it has a lot to do with the phentermine but I am determined to do everything I can to help things along. I want to get into the habit of cooking natural foods instead of eating processed foods and maybe do away with my diet dr pepper habit. I really wish I had more energy to work out instead of spending most of the day on the couch, but its kind of a horrible cycle that I'm in-I have no energy because I dont exercise-I dont exercise because I have no energy. I know that if I jump into eating super healthy, and working out like a maniac that I will just get discouraged and stop altogether. I wish so much that I had a friend to do this with... I do have friends who say they want to lose weight, but they dont want to join the same gym as me or they live too far away. I'm hoping maybe I will meet someone to work out with at the gym or at my new job and if not I'm considering hiring a personal trainer. A really, really mean sadistic one:)

My struggles since childhood with obesity...

So I havent had a blog since high school but I figured now would be the best time to start a new one. I am (once again) trying to lose weight, and I figure that if I talk about it on here where people may (or may not) actually see it, that my chances for success will be higher. I've been fighting the scales since I was about 7 years old. I remember the first conversation I ever had with anyone about my weight- my grandpa said to me one Thanksgiving- girl how do you eat so much without gaining any weight? And I said I do 20 jumping jacks everytime I finish eating! Which shows that even at the tender age of 6 or 7 I knew that you were supposed to exercise. I also remember my grandmother remarking to my parents that I was gaining weight, to which my mother denied (I think she is still denying it actually.) I think I understood that I was getting bigger, I would come home from school and tell my mom that other kids at school picked on me because I was fat (which wasnt true at the time). I think that was a little girls way of asking for help, but my mom just kept cooking unhealthy food, and letting me get seconds. Anyone who has grown up fat knows what its like to live life as the fat girl. You hear the jokes that people make about you when they think you cant hear. And of course the jokes they make to your face. I was always just a little bigger than I was supposed to be, not obese so much as I was just overweight. I could always still buy clothes from the 'normal' section (size 12-13) and would not set foot anywhere near the 'plus sized' section of any store. That changed when I got my first job right after I turned 16. It was at my favorite fast food restaurant, Krystal. And as luck would have it, the management didnt care what we ate, and never made us pay for any of it. I noticed the stretch marks about 4 months after I got the job... I was pretty shocked to see them... they were all at the top of my stomach and under my arms. I didnt think a whole lot about it, and I certainly didnt realize that it meant I was rapidly gaining weight. I didnt realize what had happened until it was too late, and I only realized it when I saw a picture of myself in my prom dress for my junior prom- I looked HORRIBLE. I was mortified. My prom dress was a size 23. It just so happened that I got a job at Subway around that same time and lost some of the weight I had gained. I dont have numbers to share because I didnt own a scale, and had no interest in seeing how much I weighed. I only go by the way my clothes fit me. I lost a little weight and my jeans were a size 16. I got into the habit of buying clothes online because it was much easier and less stressful than searching a store and trying on things that didnt fit. I finally decided for the first time when I was 18 that I needed to lose weight. A co-worker of mine was a follower of the Atkins diet and I ate in a way that was similar to her (mostly meat and veggies, and only drinking water) I had a job in a restaurant and I loved to make money, so I worked about 55-60 hours a week, usually on my feet. I also joined a gym around this time and got into the habit of going on a regular basis at night after work. I was pretty happy and had some success, although I still didnt use scales. I still wore a size 16 or 18 depending on the store but I felt comfortable in my own skin and I didnt find myself to be unattractive-actually I thought I was pretty cute around this time. This is right before the world as I knew it changed. I met Ruben, the father of my child and current boyfriend at my latest job, which was also in a restaurant that had me on my feet for about 50 hours a week. We moved entirely too fast and within three months were living together. At the end of the first month in our new home, I discovered that I was pregnant. It was horrifying and exciting all at once, and while not the exact plan I had in mind, it wasnt bad news either. I was 20 years old and in college, so it was only a couple of years sooner than I wouldve planned. I finally got on a scale-208 pounds. I had gained the new relationship weight, so I think before that I was about 190 or so. All of my clothes were pretty tight at this time. I tried to follow all the pregnancy advice about eating and walking and doing what is healthy for myself and my baby, but one day while walking with Ruben around the track I got hit by a wave of dizzyness. This would happen any time I tried to exert myself. The exercise ended. I spent the rest of my pregnancy at my new sit down job and ate whatever I felt like eating. Right before the birth of my daughter I hit 250 pounds. I was horrified and disgusted and cried my eyes out. After giving birth to her I lost 30 pounds in the first week. It turns out at least 10 pounds of my weight was from water retention related to the preeclampsia that I developed in my last trimester. I was pretty excited. I once again joined the gym and attempted to eat in a healthy way. I thought the overwhelming fatigue I felt was due to having a newborn and college life. I thought the fact that my weight didnt change was due to me not trying hard enough. Either way once I began working again a few months later I gave up on losing any more weight. I had gained back the 30 pounds effortlessly. I had just been accepted into the nursing program and I had bigger things to worry about it seemed. I went to the doctor one day over a cough that just wouldnt go away and the NP I saw told me she wanted me to lose at least 100 pounds. I told her that that every time I lose weight it just comes right back and she offered to let me try phentermine. I wish I had told her about the fatige that I felt, or about the fact that when my alarm went off most mornings I wanted to cry because I was so tired. I blamed the feeling on working too much, going to school too much, and raising a small child. I thought the fact that my hair was still falling out a year after my daughters birth was normal. I thought that the fact that my brain was foggy and I couldnt remember simple things like locking the door or running errands was part of the stress I was feeling. And I told myself I was crazy for the depression I felt. The phentermine was a miracle for me. I loved it from the first dose. I had ENERGY. I had insane amounts of energy. I could go to work, then come home, play with my child, clean up, cook dinner, do homework. I felt like a normal person. The weight loss was effortless, I lost 14 pounds in the first month. But it wasnt the weight loss I was REALLY excited about-it was the fact that I could get out of bed in the morning. The fact that I actually wanted to leave the house sometimes. The fact that I actually cleaned the house on a regular basis. I joined a gym and started a low carb diet, and the results were amazing. I felt like a brand new person. I went from a size 23 pants to a size 18. I went to the gym two to three times a week and actually looked forward to it. I told everyone who would listen all about the evils of carbs. In all I went from 250 pounds to 216 at the lowest point. My gym membership expired in the same month that my 6 month trial on phentermine ended. The nurses at my doctors office praised me. My coworkers said I was an inspiration to them. I quit taking the medication on the same week as finals, and I had a hard time keeping my eyes open. I thought that the mind numbing exhaustion that hit me was possibly stress or withdrawal from the medication. I once again had a hard time getting out of bed. I told myself I would recover from the medication and then go back to working out. It never happened. Between early May and October I regained all of the weight that I had lost, and then some. I had to buy new clothes because my former fat clothes were too tight. I was now having muscle aches and pains at all times, in addition to the exhaustion, depression, and foggy brain. My favorite thing in the world was to stretch. I realized I spent more than half of the day stretching-and whenever I went, I was leaning against something, or sitting down. I couldnt even stand up for a little while without leaning against the wall, or putting my arms down on a counter. I was having a hard time driving because I couldnt focus on the task at hand. I had learned about hypothyroidism in school and was aware that I had basically every symptom for it, but I didnt give the knowledge I had the credit it deserved. It wasnt until I went to the doctor for a completely unrelated reason that I found out that I actually have hypothryoidism. The nurse actually left my test results on my voicemail on my cell phone. When I heard those words "Your TSH is actually extremely high" I felt like I had won the lottery. Words cannot express the amazing sense of relief and.. vindication that I was overcome with. I WASNT crazy. I had a good reason for feeling the way I do. I'm going to get better. I also thought of course that the weight would suddenly, magically fall away. Hypothryodism is a disease that causes your metabolism to slow to a crawl. You gain weight, you have zero energy, even your brain dosent work properly. I was stabilized on my medications fairly quickly and realized that the weight actually wasnt going to magically fall away. I went back to the doctor and asked for one more chance with the phentermine-now that my hypothyroidism was cured, I wouldnt fail this time. That was a month ago. At my doctors visit I was 260lbs-the highest weight yet for me. That gives me a BMI of 44.6. That is morbidly obese. My TSH got out of wack again this month, but by now the higher dose of medication should be helping. I've lost about 6 pounds this month, give or take for water retention. I havent really made a huge effort with it honestly, I let the pill do all the work. I try to avoid sweets and fried foods, not only because they are bad but because since I had my gallbladder removed in march they make me sick. I also try to go walking and I have Wii Fit but like I said, I havent made a huge effort. I really want to make a huge effort. I want to lose 100 pounds. I know thats not something to take lightly, and that I need to set small goals for myself, so my short term goal is to fit into those size 18 jeans in the closet. I have to go for my first check up tomorrow with the phentermine to make sure that I have lost some weight and my blood pressure is under control. I have already made peace with the fact that if I cant lose weight this time around, or if I regain the weight I lose after my 6 months of phentermine are over, I am getting weight loss surgery. I just cant be this person for my whole life. 18 years is long enough. I have a daughter who I want to set an example for. I am an RN and I need to practice what I'll be preaching to my patients. I dont want to be like some of my patients that come in, with heart attacks and diabetes and horrible infections in their fat rolls. I also dont want to be one of the people who end up in a nursing home in their 60's or 70's because I'm too sick to care for myself. I want to meet my great grand children one day. Before losing weight was always about looks, now its about something much, much more important. I feel that because of that reason, I may have more success this time. But we shall see.